never one quite...

so i stayed up to an ungodly hour to watch moonlighting. i dont know if any of you remember that show, the one with bruce willis and cybil shepard? ooh, how classic. i cant believe how much i love netflix and the sudden rush to put old classics on DVD. its like someone in marketing finally did some research and found out that there were people willing to pay big bucks to watch and relive thier childhoods! oh joy!!!

ive been, for the last couple of days, trying to find a reasonable way to go and help at the gulf coast. unfortunately, unlike some, i dont have the means (or the stength) to just go down and throw out a hand...and no volunteer group really wants me because im not 'trained'. ive donated the little money i can spare (depsite a national emergency SallieMae,VerizonWireless and DukePower all require i continue to pay them for services they occassionally render). i cant give blood this month becuase of the meds, so thats penciled in for AS SOON AS IM DETOXED. i just feel useless. ive started to pull out clothes that dont really fit, but i kinda feel guilty about it because all articles seemed to be stained and shabby. oh, i know, im going to donate it anyway because im sure there are people who would apperciate even shabby concidering they have NOTHING, but i just feel like im missing something i can do. i guess i should just sit back and appericate that i want to help and that i am safe, sound and my family is safe and sound. at some point in my life im sure i will be called upon to help and will actually succeed in not being a complete bum.

so im not quite over the whole MA thing. it still creeps me out and kinda keeps me up at night. i had almost forgotten in this past week with the meds and that all... but my mom of all people dragged the sleeping beast out into the open. unknowingly of course. well... i started to explain it to her, but im a) still in denial and b) not great at getting my mom to understand about him. hes like that room in a haunted house where the walls seem to be moving. ya know, the strobe and the pattern on the wall... you cant remember where you came from and you cant tell where to go. you just get lost and things just kinda twist and pulse around you. actually, thats a pretty good metaphor. i think ill save that one for the future. back to the whole creeped out thing. its really strange that the one person i want to talk to about it all is the ONE person that i under no circumstance can. because well... guess what? hes the problem. hes the one that causes me to want to hurl myself in front of a moving bus... and at the very last second also pull him into traffic. i can still smell him... especially when im alone and walking outside. i just get a hint of him and i turn and feverishly search...hoping that he'll throw something at me from the bushes or something. also when im trying to sleep in the mornings. i roll over and the bed is still warm from ryan and i just smile. i just catch myself starting to get up to lean on my arm and wait... then i just grumpily roll over and hope that im not crazy. but, i know i am. i know that for the rest of my life i will be tormented by the fact that im missing a few screws. man it sucks. all i want to do is get it out of my system. i want to go back to the way i was prehighschool. when i thought i would die if i didnt kiss keith mcdonald. when i thought that tom spall was the greatest friend a chick could have. when i knew (KNEW) in the bottom of my heart that i would be a great lawyer and would marry John Cusack and have 2 children and 2 dogs. before i learned how to get whatever i wanted from a guy, the easy way. before i ruined a boy by completely falling for a wingbat whose got me completely crazy to this day, one way or another. before i found out about skipping classes to make out with boys in the freakin huge GLASS hallway at MHS. before i found out about cheating on sig others on balconies early in the morning. before i knew about LONG drives into the wee hours in the morning with friends...oh, now im just being a bitch. none of the really bad stuff is related to that sleepless night. well, its related in the sense that its all my fault, but who really likes taking the blame in thier own journals? noone!

i think ryan has rethought the whole children thing. it occured to me the other day. i was reading something and he just looked at me. then he kinda mumbled, yeah, maybe we can have kids someday. and just left it at that. im terrified. i dont want kids. i used to think i didnt want kids, but I know now that i never want kids. ever. and its not even that its too much work or anything like that. no. its that i just cant do it. i cant possibly do that. more power to those who can and do, and do so well. but i cant. i wont. i dont want to. i will do whatever it takes to assure myself that i will not have children. unfortunately, most doctors will not perform any surgical procedure on a childless woman. i cant seem to aruge my way into it either. i dont want the expense and the hassle of birth control. i dont want the 87%-99% (depending on method)rate of success. i want 100%. i want to assure myself against freakin miracles,ok? but no. i worked up a pretty good purposal to my dr. and she just laughed at it. i even had it freakin bound! (yeah, dont point out i work at freakin kinkos and binding it takes like 2 mins) the point is, no one will remove my uterus without some kinda horrible disease. and i dont want that. just becuase i dont want kids doesnt mean that i want to suffer horrible diseases to assure that. ive been there, ive done that. and its not 100% either.

my mom keeps asking if im going to end up marrying ryan. i keep telling her that he and i feel the same way about marriage right now: its a sham. she just tsks at me and keeps asking in 'subtly' different ways. and it gets me to wondering if i will marry him. as it stands, i dont plan on not being with him for a long time out, and of course i tell him forever... because hell, to me, 5 mins is forever. but i cant get the itchy feeling that humans, especially me, were not made to do monogamy. i hear so many different things 'oh, we all slip up, you will too.' or 'well, sometimes you find you care about somebody at the wrong time' or 'if you work at it, you will change' or 'you never mean to hurt them, but its gonna hurt.' or (personal fav) 'just never let him find out'. the only thing ive found true though... you can never completely understand why you do it. you never completely grasp all the straws. you have some inklings. and feeling alone and neglected and underapperciated are big ones. but theres an edge, a thrill...something that tastes sooo good for jsut one bite that you cant explain and you cant understand until you do it the next time. maybe because there is the new thrill? maybe becuase it gives you a sense of personal space? whatever it is, it looms later like a punch in the gut. and if you are like me, sometimes you go out looking for the punch in the gut... although recently, ive been glad to come home lacking. yeah, i resent the hell out of ryan for being a homebody and shit, but god damn is it nice to come home to someone waiting for you.

alright, ive babbled on long enough. its time for me to hit the hay, ive got lots of packing to do this morning before work. ugh. but true.